Doubt

I was re-reading my diary that I’ve been writing in since early 2003 or so and I’ve noticed that every once in a while I just hate myself. My boyfriend mentioned that it was just brought on my teenage years and egged on my mood swings. And yet, at this moment I still find myself just so unhappy with myself; my personality, my body, my actions, the words I say, what I think — just unsatisfactory.

So how do I get myself out of this slump? This slump that makes me doubt everything I do. Why should I try to lose weight? It’s always like this. The changes come and then leave, leaving me as I was before.

What kind of people am I surrounding myself with? People with just as little self-esteem as myself? Maybe that’s the connection. We’re all just self-pitying. Do I have friends that really fulfill the role of friend? Do they support me? Occasionally, I suppose. I don’t always tend to stick with my friends. It’s never that whole from-middle-school-and-on-friendship. I gain friends then move on to a new group and it keeps going like that.

This doubt even infiltrates my view of my role in the family. I look at myself as someone ungrateful to her family. One who doesn’t always listen or accept that my parents are trying to do better by me and my siblings.

Then, there’s my romantic relationship. I don’t think I fulfill the role of girlfriend very well. I still can’t help but wonder why he’s in a relationship with me. I’ve certainly haven’t always gone to the halfway mark for him. He certainly has his flaws but it isn’t about personality, it’s about what people in a relationship are willing to do for the relationship. I’ve always limited our chances of seeing each other. And then doubt sprouts from my fear of losing the relationship.

Being in this slump pulls me two ways. On one hand, I just want to drop everything and sleep or watch TV or plays Sims all day. I don’t want to do anything. Then, there’s moments where I have the drive to really become the person that I would be happier with. It results in me going jogging in the morning (even if I hate jogging, I have horrible stamina) to doing ab workouts at night to creating to-do lists so I can stay on task.

Being able to express it in any way, of course, makes me feel better. ”

On a lighter note, I’ve noticed that Fox has a lot of shows with British actors as the leading stare. There’s the new shows, Mental and Lie to Me. And of course, there’s House with his oh-so-charming American facade.

Have a lovely day!

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